From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
