new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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