Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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