Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
