Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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