there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
