i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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