Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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