Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Randomize
