Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm having to shit out rocks
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
