I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
