sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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