Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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