for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
