drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
