Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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