I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
