Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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