You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
