now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
3 2 1 whiskey
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
