Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
