Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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