4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
