I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
