The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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