i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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