he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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