Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Randomize
