why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
