I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
