I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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