worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
FUCK WHALES
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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