Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
