he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
