I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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