those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
