M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
