I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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