It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
