Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
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i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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