My nipple is on Facebook.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
