I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
