It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
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told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
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You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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