Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
