we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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