Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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