update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
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Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
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At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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