i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
