i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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