One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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