I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
