I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
