I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
