Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
