Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
