You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
