..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
