walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
