why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I haven't been this sober since birth.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
