I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
