i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
